dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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