It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
