I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
