I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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