i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
