I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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