final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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