So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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