Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
