My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
