I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
