dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
