It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
