ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
