Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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