When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
