Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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