We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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