go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
