I think my vagina is haunted
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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