well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
