mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
