I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
