stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
