Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
