fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish you could order shots online.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
