I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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