My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
