"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
and you fell through a lawn chair
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
