he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
