8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
