my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
