I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
