My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
