I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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