So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
