My friends, they love my intelligence
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Houston, we have a squirter
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
