shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
