I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
