im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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