There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Dicks are not precious.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
