do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
