So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
