bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
