decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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