They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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