i don't like sucking hair
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
