Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
