It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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