so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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