its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
two words...techno handjob
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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