Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
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