pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
